RAW
LIFE EXPLODE INTO WILDEST DREAMS (DISBELIEF)
XXX disclaimer XXX
I
dealt with a lot of insecurity writing this one, with a voice that
kept saying "This is selfish and unimportant, why am I writing
about this?" It's really hard for me to justify what feels like
a silly rant on what I eat. It feels trivial and a waste of my time,
your time and this computer's electricity and the paper that this is
going to go on. But I dont think it is. It was really fun writing
this, so it wasn't a waste of my time, and it felt very fulfilling.
I think the voice is also the one that constantly tears me down,
leads me to self destructive behavior, wallows in self-pity and is
constantly on edge, wondering if "this is the most important
thing I could be doing?" Ahhh, writing that made me feel so
much better! No apologies for disclaimers, and I'm thankful for this
keyboard to spit out my thoughts pretty fast, and having mentioned
that, it ruled to be on this computer and then off it quick, to get
back to where life really rules - in front of your face. I'm off to
cut and paste and put words onto real paper so you can hold it in
your hand and I can hand it to you. (Of course, I'd be first taking a
deep breath and knowing that the voice that says "no one wants
your stupid zine about your stupid love of fruit and stupid addiction
to soda. what pointless shit, what a waste of everyone's time and of
resources. what the fuck? everyone is on the internet! you don't
want to be, so you have no place. sure, there are people who do
zines, and want to read them, but not this shit-heap; look how much
you wrote about nothing!" is worth ignoring, and ha ha,
important to ignore. Cuz it's just not true! I can do whatever I
want and it's cool that the voice is there and I recognize it and
don't have to be overtaken by it, and live my life through it's false
filter that doubts and fears everything i do and inhibits my
creativity and vulnerability from bursting out of me. You don't let
that shit out, and you will rot from the inside out.) end of
disclaimer.
XXX
beginning of the "real" thing XXX
I'm
trying to be more consistent about being at that point where I allow
myself to have what I deserve, particularly in the area of food.
It's been a back and forth tug of war for years, struggling with
feelings of selfishness, and blurring the line between self-respect
and self-absorption. I've really grown to loathe the mess of
opinions, information and misinformation out there. There is
ridiculous ego games, one "guru" shitting all over another,
and conniving, dishonest ploys to get you to buy their newest
fountain of youth. Incredibly expensive coaching sessions, retreats,
seminars and festivals, and often under a new age, hippy guise of
love, which comes off as straight bullshit, or a sellout trying to
reassure themselves that The Universe is on their side and that they
are plowing forth in spiritual alignment with their divine purpose.
Operating out of love, I get a phony sense from them and it feels
like they're just frantically working to convince themselves that
they are not just another fucking capitalist, greenwashing the world,
and making money off of health trends and unhealthy people eager for
a panacea to their woes. It gets even more agravating when you enter
the whole weight loss market and have to fend off now not just
mainstream propaghanda of beauty standards, but now your
anti-government conspiracy new age nut organic locavores are shoving
it in your face, angry at big brother for forcing pasteurization and
flouridation but down with disrespect to women and doing your part to
chip in to their degradation and sexualization.
So,
this sucks! And I just wanted to expand my mind, gain some
knowledge. I still read a lot about food and health but sometimes
weeding thru the bullshit isn't worth the possible bit of knowledge
gained. And in some particularly obsessed studying sessions of mine,
I find myself getting more looniness, egoism, and fabrication and get
burnt out on the whole health thing. Which is silly because being
healthy, and nurturing your physical and connected mental well being
is not selfish, but important, and affects others you come into
contact with. Self love allows you to be open, open to expose your
vulnerabilities and honestly connect with another and open to truly
hear them out. You can get the fuck out of your head, and not
interact with another only because you need something. Coming from a
place of self contentment, you don't have a pressing need that you
frantically pursue, overbearing another and maybe crossing boundaries
and comforts. This is not to say that in times of crisis, venting
isn't important, and you may feel shaken up and fucked up and need a
person who is able to hear heavy shit and just listen, or reflect
back to you what you've said, or give their own opinion, whatever is
needed.
I
love gaining knowledge, and getting different opinions on nutrition,
weeding out bullshit from what feels legit. Some of it is a guessing
game, and I know i've experimented with tons of different things,
failed and succeeded, and learned a bunch, so it doesn't feel like
i've failed at all.
I
do swing over to the side, and this is what I meant to say earlier,
that this is all too much thinking, and if I feed myself tons of raw
fruits and vegetables, and always keep it animal-free, I'll be fine.
And I do think this is true, and need to remember it when I'm
over-stressing/obsessing. But there is a level of obsession I've
come to terms with, have accepted as part of me, and even grown to
love. I definitely have had to rework things to appreciate it, and
yeah, even LOVE it, in myself, but I'm getting there. I'm talking
about that feeling that this is a waste of time, and really fucking
privileged to be so health-obsessive when there's so many things in
the world that matter so much more than being in perfect health. So,
I've been working at that balance of really enjoying pushing myself
and enjoying health benefits, and really treasuring them, and taking
it easy for fucking up and falling off the wagon and making sure I
know that it's not really that important for me and even unhealthy
for me to dive too deep into nutrition details. It's a matter of
being honest with myself, and knowing that it feels bad to be
watching lots of health guru videos, explaining what they ate today
or what their exercise routine is like. This can be helfpul,
sometimes, but it's mostly just an annoying self-absorbed broadcast,
and it's their job, and they are selling themselves. It feels gross
if I spend too much time in that arena, and it does me good to limit
it.
Allowing
myself to feel really good though is great, and being creative and
excited about it feels awesome! For example, writing this is really
fun. I think it would be more fun if I actually talked about how
juiced up I am on raw foods, but it was pretty fulfilling to unload
some of my frustration at the health industry too!
One
GURU that I thought had good info led me down a nutty, chocolate
filled path. It was a huge high for a while, but left me with a
spinning head sometimes and with a lot less money all of the time.
That always irked me, the expensive cost of raw foods. Particularly,
raw prepared treats. I really wanted to get to a simpler diet. When
I first heard of the 80/10/10 lifestyle, I thought it was fucked up
to eat so much sugar, natural as it may be. I thought it was a
recipe for disaster. To make a long, boring story short, and
exciting, I experimented with cooked foods, hit a new low, turned to
junk, tried to eat my way to happiness using the treats of my youth
(that'd be a good band name TREATS OF OUR YOUTH) and just ate my way
to self-hate and a rotting, shit-smelling tooth.
Now,
I'm in recovery mode and loving it. I've taken back fruit! Fuck all
of the misinformation that I absorbed for a while, and fuck the fruit
fear that is prevalent in this world! I have even had doubts to how
an exposed, decaying tooth would deal with an incoming flood of
(natural as it is) sugar. Well, I am here to say that it feels
cleaner around it, and doesn't ever hurt. It only hurts when I go
back into krappy food land. It's funny how much I hate even
admitting here in words that I eat shitty food, it's such a
dissapointment for me that I could be so disciplined to eat 100% raw
for 2 years or more and now I struggle so much. But, I gotta be
honest, and real with myself, and to you, for reading this. It's key
to getting over this failure feeling I feel a bunch. It's ok that i
fuck up and lose sight of my goals - which are to eat food that
agrees best with my body, not spend a ton of money on it and not
worry about it or overanalzye stuff too much. In that vein of
striving for excellent health, being genuine is extremely important
and so I'm sharing here that i struggle with self hatred, silly as it
may be, for eating popcorn or drinking soda, I know there are far
worse things, but it's dissapointing for me. It's not where i want
to be and it's not who i want to be giving the resources i have away
to. Keeping up the balance for me means doing my best to only put
real food in my mouth, and keeping that all raw fruits, veggies, and
a few nuts and seeds, just that, but if i forget that this is where i
want to be and scarf down stuff that doesn't agree with me physically
or mentally, i can halt the ensuing war on my self by not adding
guilt into the equation. Being ok with fucking up, learning from it,
and doing better next time becomes the sometimes insanely hard but
important and totally doable course of action for me.
80/10/10
is a guideline that suggests getting 80% of your calories from fruit,
10% from fat, and 10% from protein. I don't want this to feel like a
marketing campaign for The 80/10/10 Diet, making it this official
doctrine I'm endorsing or, even worse, pushing you to subscribe to; I
just wanna give a little background on what I've been inspired by.
The 80/10/10 way is just eating fuck tons of fruit, and keeping it
high carb and low fat. This means limited amounts of nuts and seeds,
and often a discouragement towards processed foods of any kind and
this includes any oils, nut butters, salt, or vinegar.
Ha
ha. First, I thought eating vegan was extreme! I picked up a box of
cheez-its in my first week, only to have one of my two vegan friends
tell me "Sock, that's got fucking cheese in it." He was
being matter-of-fact, not judgemental, despite how that might sound
to you. I was totally detached and ignorant, not knowingly ignorant
- just absolutely clueless. I didn't make my own food, I went thru
drive thrus. I went from Big Mac to Boca overnight.
Back
pains, anxiety, depression, and frustration led me to dumping my
last(?!) Mountain Dew down the drain in mid July, about four years
ago or so, and I started piling on the salads and eating more whole,
real foods. It reached a breaking point when I picked up "Raw
Foods For Busy People" and couldn't believe how simple the
recipes were! This was the huge appeal. I was honestly really
scared to try eating raw food only for 3 days, but that was my goal I
was determined to reach. It felt like jumping into cold, dark water.
Who the fuck knows what could happen? I was really nervous! I'm
thinking back to how it felt then, and that is really the feeling I
can remember. I also felt fear that it was gonna be really fucking
boring. And this was just for 3 days and I was worried! Well,
anyways, I felt terrific; I embarked on a 6 month high, back pains
went away, absolute erasure of any anxiety or despair, I was cured!
I went thru a couple uncomfortable detoxes that left me feeling even
higher immediately after, including one where one of the cists on my
head started feeling sensitive to the touch and painful (they are
normally hard and feel like nothing) and begin to rise up and grow
further out of my head into a horn! I felt fluish and like death for
a few days. But it deflated away, dissapearing into my scalp, and I
felt renewed!
Plugging
along, the high went down into a steady feeling of really good, and
too many nuts, too much raw food reading and a fuckton of cacao (raw
chocolate) later, I was ready for something else.
Unfortunately,
I went thru a break up that left my head spinning, wondering what I
wanted, and changed my scenery, moving to an amazing new house,
though ripe with challenges that tested me, and though contributed
positively to my growth, were intimidating and totally new. I
mention this because it contributed to a lost, distressed feeling,
which to medicate, I went after the drugs of my youth: chips and
soda. I tried narrowing it down, making burritos my only vice, but
that wasn't good enough for me. Not to come off like I'm above
burritos or something, and that I have this superior set of needs,
and am a snob, but it's undeniable that I do best eating raw foods,
and I've finnally come to grips with my truth that I it's good to
give my body what it unquestioningly wants. I've done the trying to
eat simpler thing, going for rice and beans and such things, but i
don't know my limits. With raw food I do. And "raw food"
can be 2 lbs of cashews for lunch (I did this once) or it can be
salads. It can be a $9 piece of gourmet cheezcake or watermelon.
It's just like how my banana date smoothie (bananas dates and water)
is vegan and so are fritos. So, rather than explaining to someone
that I eat "raw," I opt for the "I eat fucktons of
fruit" or "I eat fruit and salads." For a while I was
on the "Raw Food Plus Burrito Diet" (though I hate the word
and idea "diet" it was too fun not to say) but honesty was
more important than the fun of eating burritos, and being real with
myself of what I want and need is more lasting and ultimately
enjoyable than the quick thrill I get from a burrito or something. I
do think this can happen when you don't allow yourself certain foods;
you just wanna break the rules, and eat what you want. The
restriction feels bad, and it does feel annoying and socially
alienating sometimes to not let yourself have certain foods, but I
know for me it's just a matter of knowing what's best for you in the
short, and long, hauls and enjoying the unbeatable satisfaction in
doing what's best for you and practicing self love.
And
if I want to do the best for myself, it would be eating a simple diet
abundant in fresh, raw fruits and vegetables, and that is where I'm
at now. The first 2/3 of a day is nothing but fruit, and then a
monster salad at night, but not loaded with olive oil, avocado, and
olives or nuts like in the past. It's simpler now - likely a ton of
romaine and tomatoes with celery or sunflower seeds or both and maybe
a few olives or a little avocado. But often just simple stuff like
romaine and/or celery, tomatoes and lemon juice. I feel so good from
this simpler, high sugar way of eating. I poop a ton more and it's a
cleaner shit, ha ha, I mean less wiping, and while this might be
silly or gross to someone, it means something to me. The idea that
quick exit foods are the best for you is one I support, based on the
theory of it and my experience. The theory is that you don't want
foods to linger in your body, taking a lot of energy to digest. You
want stuff that your body can digest quick, use for energy and not
stress itself out trying to figure out how to break down, say, an
acidic substance like animal flesh. Fruit is the quickest, most
readily available source of energy, taking very little digestive
effort. Maybe fresh juices are quicker, seeping right into your
bloodstream and charging you full of nutrients because the fiber is
absent and in liquid form, the foods have been broken down and
extracted into pure juice. Does that make sense? That's my take on
it, my gathering from reading a lot and experiencing different things
and paying attention to how i feel from various foods, how I eat them
(slow, fast, by themselves, eating by myself, paying attention to
chewing, chewing a lot, etc...) what time of the day I eat certain
ones and how I feel accordingly... I nerd out and experiment a good
deal. It's super interesting to me.
Again,
I don't want to sell this way of eating. I just want to tell what it
does for me. I haven't been as consistent as I'd like, because this
is another, probably my final, big change in how I eat. And I
welcome it, most of the time, though I do have to adjust to eating
plainer, simpler. Which would be easy enough for my actual body and
taste buds, if they were disconnected from my emotions. It's the
eating for happiness that keeps me from being more consistent. But
I'm determined to stay on this path that feels best for me. My
energy is through the roof, and quite steady with all of this sugar.
And it's simple as fuck. Fruit, fruit, fruit, eat a salad. It saves
me time, cuz meals are either instant (example: breakfast - 10
bananas) or super easy (dinner - chop tomatoes, chop lettuce, halve
and squeeze a lemon in). It also is easy to "fit in" more
socially, which isn't that important to me, but does feel good for
not making others feel bad at not being able to accomodate you. In
one sense it's so simple because there's fruit usually around. It's
not so simple when you are ready to scarf down 10 apples, not 1 or 2,
and I know my family is like "You can't just eat fruits and
vegetables!" And I say, "I know, I eat some nuts and seeds
too!" And it seems to really concern them, and they worry about
me. But you gotta do what you gotta do, right!? My dad even said he
was gonna start eating vegan because apparently my eyes got a lot
brighter when I started doing the raw thing, but who knows, that's my
dad talking ya know? He also once asked "How could anyone not
like you?" So he has a high opinion of me, and tells me I've
"found peace," which is true in some ways. I quickly
reassure him that I definitely have my struggles, and some pretty
nasty lows, though I spare him the details.
So,
it feels like it spreads a bit - I've stopped preaching to my
parents, mostly, I try to go about it in a gentle way, and mostly
only in response to their questions. Food, it seems is all we ever
talk about, and that is the way my family knows how to relate to me;
"That's our crazy vegan nephew." And beyond vegan, the raw
thing just sends them over the top in disbelief. They either think
I'm totally wrong and a part of some cult, or they are inspired.
Clearly, I'm not unhealthy, and intuitively many of them state that
that's the way to go, and few, but some, do say "I could do
that." Like my aunt a couple weeks ago. I think it's just
social suicide for so many people that are emotionally attached and
gather around and celebrate to the tune of mainstream standard
american food. I wish they could experience the rush that I get from
eating this way, I think they would love it and realize that doing
your own thing and feeling phenomenal beats conforming. They could
still experience food get togethers, you just have to be prepared to
do some more work, whether it's bringing your own stuff or bothering
the cooks or waiters for a plate of raw vegetables or fruits. That's
really all you have to say: "Can you bring me a bowl of uncooked
vegetables or a fruit platter? No cheese, no ranch, no oils, maybe a
lemon on the side." Or just stop going out to eat. Restaurant
suck anyways. I realize some of this is just over the top. Habits
are hardcore engrained in us, and we need a super intensely
convincing reason to change and even then, who says it's gonna work?
So we retreat into comfort and there is a mass of people, doctors and
media with vested interests and huge lobbying corporations to
persuade us, (or in the case of mainstream media, they are the
corporation) and reassure us that we've made the right, safe choice.
Stick with the pack.
It's
so good to see more and more people challenging the herd mentality
and some of the things we're supposed to swallow as truth. I see
more and more people realzing they have been duped, time and time
again by their government and they are seeking out ways to better
themselves, that may be contrary to what they are being told. In
this spirit of food, it's awesome seeing raw foods become more and
more well known. Hopefully the weight loss bullshit that is always
there with raw foods as a flashed motivating factor can die off and
the raw food movement can stop using this cheap way to prey on
people's insecurities. There are a lot of assholes out there, and
look out for the ones who want to take something beautiful like
nourishing your body and convince you to jump on their bandwagon and
get healthy their way, selling you lots of products and/or a hokey
ego inflation for them, and for you when you've improved your self so
much that you feel superior to, and maybe like you could be a saviour
of, the "ignorant masses."
Eat
raw if you want. I feel like this is a bit confusing in the last
page! Is it?
It's
a crazy world with a lack of access to nearby, affordable/free, fresh
fruit and vegetables but tons to junk food/produce coming from so far
away.
I
definitely find it hypocritical to try to live my life without
causing harm to others, then do things like buy bananas, ride in
cars, and eat at restaurants, but sadly, we'll always be hurting
things just by existing and that is fact. It then becomes the fuzzy
thing of doing your best, which is often said as excuse for not
really trying, but really is all you can do, and who am I or you to
judge?
should
this be the beginning of a piece?
SPEAK YOUR MIND
VS. CONDEMN ANOTHER
We
can help each other along, but when it comes to finding fault in
someone else's life, it gets hairy. In one sense, it's good and
important to raise your voice when you see some fucked up shit going
on, but it's super important to discern, and be open to critique of
your discernment; (do you wanna be right and boost your ego, or
learn, and develop emotionally and spiritually, or whatever you wanna
call it or believe in) between what is your humble opinion and your
misguided, or intentional, attempt at bettering yourself at the
expense of another. Even a just cause can become corrupted when
you're knocking someone else down a peg to further an agenda, no
matter how important. As I write that, i think of people that have
crossed the line and deserve ill treatment; it feels very fitting.
And that is a judgement call, deciding that someone else has fucked
up. And you do that, you have emotions, beliefs, a path in life that
you are currently at that helps you along in feeling stoked about
some stuff and pissed at other stuff, and you will approve of some
people and condemn others, whether internally or out loud, vocally
and publicly. And linking up and sharing opinions with others,
particularly towards a heinous course of action or person or
something is really empowering and feels great, and validates your
voice. It can be humbling, and grounds you. It's this knowing that
you share this with others and it feels better than your lone voice
condemning, because both of feeling overwhelmed by feeling so alone
and because you feel a part of something larger than yourself, though
your individuality is welcomed and celebrated. (this is ideal and
vital of satisfying movements for me).
I
think it's so great and important to voice how you feel, to be the
individual you are. With the whole discernment thing, continual
conversation is necessary, and the dropping of pride is a huge part
of this. Growth comes when you don't remain personally attached to
your views. Share them. Listen. And go with it from there. Don't
open your mouth to talk before the other is done. Be there for them
and expect them to be there for you. Mutual respect and patience and
appreciation of each other comes first. I feel very strongly about
this. And strong as I feel, I feel just as strong about being open
to challenges to this, and all opinions. Keeping an open mind and
enriching myself and hopefully the lives I am around matters a great
deal to me and I think we close ourselves off from so much
opportunity when we shut down, stubbornly proud and closed off to
differences.
The
people who are in it for greater good are a joy to be around. By the
"greater good" I might mean, for example, the greater good
that is the care of friends beyond just one's own self, which feels
more realistic than the idea of the greater good being the whole
planet; an overwhelming intimidating thought pattern. When someone
shows they give a fuck about your opinion by truly listening to you,
and even showing genuine interest by posing follow up questions, and
they're not just waiting to give their piece, it feels awesome,
respectful and worth putting more of my energy into. Adversely, when
someone interrupts, and is on an ego rampage, ignorant of advice or
critique, I shut down, get frustrated and want to get the fuck out!
Unfortunately sometimes we can't leave and are stuck around these
people, and will continue to interact with them in our lives. Not to
write this and be like "be moer like me" but I write this
because I want to spread the idea that it can be way less frustrating
and conflict can be reduced, avoided, or managed. We can eliminate
drama and creating enemies when we learn ways to hash out concerns
with empathy and consideration. Being open to letting each other
know things means not feeling like you're fucking up, and by that I
mean, creating an environment where critique is welcomed and
appreciated and differences are not feared and diversity is
celebrated! It definitely feels like an attack an yourself, and that
you have "fucked up" doubly when 1. someone does it in a
shitty harsh way and 2. when you're not used to being in an honest
atmosphere. And you can be gentle with your honesty, and I think
being sensitive to the other person is super important. Even if
you've been an anarchist for years and are accustomed to being open
and expressing yourself, you can still be hurt, and practicing
empathy, which means putting yourself in someone else's place and
imaginign how they might feel can do worlds for our world.
Lets
be honest and direct and sensitive! Yaahah!
