Raw Life

RAW LIFE EXPLODE INTO WILDEST DREAMS (DISBELIEF)

XXX disclaimer XXX

I dealt with a lot of insecurity writing this one, with a voice that kept saying "This is selfish and unimportant, why am I writing about this?" It's really hard for me to justify what feels like a silly rant on what I eat. It feels trivial and a waste of my time, your time and this computer's electricity and the paper that this is going to go on. But I dont think it is. It was really fun writing this, so it wasn't a waste of my time, and it felt very fulfilling. I think the voice is also the one that constantly tears me down, leads me to self destructive behavior, wallows in self-pity and is constantly on edge, wondering if "this is the most important thing I could be doing?" Ahhh, writing that made me feel so much better! No apologies for disclaimers, and I'm thankful for this keyboard to spit out my thoughts pretty fast, and having mentioned that, it ruled to be on this computer and then off it quick, to get back to where life really rules - in front of your face. I'm off to cut and paste and put words onto real paper so you can hold it in your hand and I can hand it to you. (Of course, I'd be first taking a deep breath and knowing that the voice that says "no one wants your stupid zine about your stupid love of fruit and stupid addiction to soda. what pointless shit, what a waste of everyone's time and of resources. what the fuck? everyone is on the internet! you don't want to be, so you have no place. sure, there are people who do zines, and want to read them, but not this shit-heap; look how much you wrote about nothing!" is worth ignoring, and ha ha, important to ignore. Cuz it's just not true! I can do whatever I want and it's cool that the voice is there and I recognize it and don't have to be overtaken by it, and live my life through it's false filter that doubts and fears everything i do and inhibits my creativity and vulnerability from bursting out of me. You don't let that shit out, and you will rot from the inside out.) end of disclaimer.

XXX beginning of the "real" thing XXX

I'm trying to be more consistent about being at that point where I allow myself to have what I deserve, particularly in the area of food. It's been a back and forth tug of war for years, struggling with feelings of selfishness, and blurring the line between self-respect and self-absorption. I've really grown to loathe the mess of opinions, information and misinformation out there. There is ridiculous ego games, one "guru" shitting all over another, and conniving, dishonest ploys to get you to buy their newest fountain of youth. Incredibly expensive coaching sessions, retreats, seminars and festivals, and often under a new age, hippy guise of love, which comes off as straight bullshit, or a sellout trying to reassure themselves that The Universe is on their side and that they are plowing forth in spiritual alignment with their divine purpose. Operating out of love, I get a phony sense from them and it feels like they're just frantically working to convince themselves that they are not just another fucking capitalist, greenwashing the world, and making money off of health trends and unhealthy people eager for a panacea to their woes. It gets even more agravating when you enter the whole weight loss market and have to fend off now not just mainstream propaghanda of beauty standards, but now your anti-government conspiracy new age nut organic locavores are shoving it in your face, angry at big brother for forcing pasteurization and flouridation but down with disrespect to women and doing your part to chip in to their degradation and sexualization.

So, this sucks! And I just wanted to expand my mind, gain some knowledge. I still read a lot about food and health but sometimes weeding thru the bullshit isn't worth the possible bit of knowledge gained. And in some particularly obsessed studying sessions of mine, I find myself getting more looniness, egoism, and fabrication and get burnt out on the whole health thing. Which is silly because being healthy, and nurturing your physical and connected mental well being is not selfish, but important, and affects others you come into contact with. Self love allows you to be open, open to expose your vulnerabilities and honestly connect with another and open to truly hear them out. You can get the fuck out of your head, and not interact with another only because you need something. Coming from a place of self contentment, you don't have a pressing need that you frantically pursue, overbearing another and maybe crossing boundaries and comforts. This is not to say that in times of crisis, venting isn't important, and you may feel shaken up and fucked up and need a person who is able to hear heavy shit and just listen, or reflect back to you what you've said, or give their own opinion, whatever is needed.

I love gaining knowledge, and getting different opinions on nutrition, weeding out bullshit from what feels legit. Some of it is a guessing game, and I know i've experimented with tons of different things, failed and succeeded, and learned a bunch, so it doesn't feel like i've failed at all.

I do swing over to the side, and this is what I meant to say earlier, that this is all too much thinking, and if I feed myself tons of raw fruits and vegetables, and always keep it animal-free, I'll be fine. And I do think this is true, and need to remember it when I'm over-stressing/obsessing. But there is a level of obsession I've come to terms with, have accepted as part of me, and even grown to love. I definitely have had to rework things to appreciate it, and yeah, even LOVE it, in myself, but I'm getting there. I'm talking about that feeling that this is a waste of time, and really fucking privileged to be so health-obsessive when there's so many things in the world that matter so much more than being in perfect health. So, I've been working at that balance of really enjoying pushing myself and enjoying health benefits, and really treasuring them, and taking it easy for fucking up and falling off the wagon and making sure I know that it's not really that important for me and even unhealthy for me to dive too deep into nutrition details. It's a matter of being honest with myself, and knowing that it feels bad to be watching lots of health guru videos, explaining what they ate today or what their exercise routine is like. This can be helfpul, sometimes, but it's mostly just an annoying self-absorbed broadcast, and it's their job, and they are selling themselves. It feels gross if I spend too much time in that arena, and it does me good to limit it.

Allowing myself to feel really good though is great, and being creative and excited about it feels awesome! For example, writing this is really fun. I think it would be more fun if I actually talked about how juiced up I am on raw foods, but it was pretty fulfilling to unload some of my frustration at the health industry too!

One GURU that I thought had good info led me down a nutty, chocolate filled path. It was a huge high for a while, but left me with a spinning head sometimes and with a lot less money all of the time. That always irked me, the expensive cost of raw foods. Particularly, raw prepared treats. I really wanted to get to a simpler diet. When I first heard of the 80/10/10 lifestyle, I thought it was fucked up to eat so much sugar, natural as it may be. I thought it was a recipe for disaster. To make a long, boring story short, and exciting, I experimented with cooked foods, hit a new low, turned to junk, tried to eat my way to happiness using the treats of my youth (that'd be a good band name TREATS OF OUR YOUTH) and just ate my way to self-hate and a rotting, shit-smelling tooth.

Now, I'm in recovery mode and loving it. I've taken back fruit! Fuck all of the misinformation that I absorbed for a while, and fuck the fruit fear that is prevalent in this world! I have even had doubts to how an exposed, decaying tooth would deal with an incoming flood of (natural as it is) sugar. Well, I am here to say that it feels cleaner around it, and doesn't ever hurt. It only hurts when I go back into krappy food land. It's funny how much I hate even admitting here in words that I eat shitty food, it's such a dissapointment for me that I could be so disciplined to eat 100% raw for 2 years or more and now I struggle so much. But, I gotta be honest, and real with myself, and to you, for reading this. It's key to getting over this failure feeling I feel a bunch. It's ok that i fuck up and lose sight of my goals - which are to eat food that agrees best with my body, not spend a ton of money on it and not worry about it or overanalzye stuff too much. In that vein of striving for excellent health, being genuine is extremely important and so I'm sharing here that i struggle with self hatred, silly as it may be, for eating popcorn or drinking soda, I know there are far worse things, but it's dissapointing for me. It's not where i want to be and it's not who i want to be giving the resources i have away to. Keeping up the balance for me means doing my best to only put real food in my mouth, and keeping that all raw fruits, veggies, and a few nuts and seeds, just that, but if i forget that this is where i want to be and scarf down stuff that doesn't agree with me physically or mentally, i can halt the ensuing war on my self by not adding guilt into the equation. Being ok with fucking up, learning from it, and doing better next time becomes the sometimes insanely hard but important and totally doable course of action for me.

80/10/10 is a guideline that suggests getting 80% of your calories from fruit, 10% from fat, and 10% from protein. I don't want this to feel like a marketing campaign for The 80/10/10 Diet, making it this official doctrine I'm endorsing or, even worse, pushing you to subscribe to; I just wanna give a little background on what I've been inspired by. The 80/10/10 way is just eating fuck tons of fruit, and keeping it high carb and low fat. This means limited amounts of nuts and seeds, and often a discouragement towards processed foods of any kind and this includes any oils, nut butters, salt, or vinegar.

Ha ha. First, I thought eating vegan was extreme! I picked up a box of cheez-its in my first week, only to have one of my two vegan friends tell me "Sock, that's got fucking cheese in it." He was being matter-of-fact, not judgemental, despite how that might sound to you. I was totally detached and ignorant, not knowingly ignorant - just absolutely clueless. I didn't make my own food, I went thru drive thrus. I went from Big Mac to Boca overnight.

Back pains, anxiety, depression, and frustration led me to dumping my last(?!) Mountain Dew down the drain in mid July, about four years ago or so, and I started piling on the salads and eating more whole, real foods. It reached a breaking point when I picked up "Raw Foods For Busy People" and couldn't believe how simple the recipes were! This was the huge appeal. I was honestly really scared to try eating raw food only for 3 days, but that was my goal I was determined to reach. It felt like jumping into cold, dark water. Who the fuck knows what could happen? I was really nervous! I'm thinking back to how it felt then, and that is really the feeling I can remember. I also felt fear that it was gonna be really fucking boring. And this was just for 3 days and I was worried! Well, anyways, I felt terrific; I embarked on a 6 month high, back pains went away, absolute erasure of any anxiety or despair, I was cured! I went thru a couple uncomfortable detoxes that left me feeling even higher immediately after, including one where one of the cists on my head started feeling sensitive to the touch and painful (they are normally hard and feel like nothing) and begin to rise up and grow further out of my head into a horn! I felt fluish and like death for a few days. But it deflated away, dissapearing into my scalp, and I felt renewed!

Plugging along, the high went down into a steady feeling of really good, and too many nuts, too much raw food reading and a fuckton of cacao (raw chocolate) later, I was ready for something else.

Unfortunately, I went thru a break up that left my head spinning, wondering what I wanted, and changed my scenery, moving to an amazing new house, though ripe with challenges that tested me, and though contributed positively to my growth, were intimidating and totally new. I mention this because it contributed to a lost, distressed feeling, which to medicate, I went after the drugs of my youth: chips and soda. I tried narrowing it down, making burritos my only vice, but that wasn't good enough for me. Not to come off like I'm above burritos or something, and that I have this superior set of needs, and am a snob, but it's undeniable that I do best eating raw foods, and I've finnally come to grips with my truth that I it's good to give my body what it unquestioningly wants. I've done the trying to eat simpler thing, going for rice and beans and such things, but i don't know my limits. With raw food I do. And "raw food" can be 2 lbs of cashews for lunch (I did this once) or it can be salads. It can be a $9 piece of gourmet cheezcake or watermelon. It's just like how my banana date smoothie (bananas dates and water) is vegan and so are fritos. So, rather than explaining to someone that I eat "raw," I opt for the "I eat fucktons of fruit" or "I eat fruit and salads." For a while I was on the "Raw Food Plus Burrito Diet" (though I hate the word and idea "diet" it was too fun not to say) but honesty was more important than the fun of eating burritos, and being real with myself of what I want and need is more lasting and ultimately enjoyable than the quick thrill I get from a burrito or something. I do think this can happen when you don't allow yourself certain foods; you just wanna break the rules, and eat what you want. The restriction feels bad, and it does feel annoying and socially alienating sometimes to not let yourself have certain foods, but I know for me it's just a matter of knowing what's best for you in the short, and long, hauls and enjoying the unbeatable satisfaction in doing what's best for you and practicing self love.

And if I want to do the best for myself, it would be eating a simple diet abundant in fresh, raw fruits and vegetables, and that is where I'm at now. The first 2/3 of a day is nothing but fruit, and then a monster salad at night, but not loaded with olive oil, avocado, and olives or nuts like in the past. It's simpler now - likely a ton of romaine and tomatoes with celery or sunflower seeds or both and maybe a few olives or a little avocado. But often just simple stuff like romaine and/or celery, tomatoes and lemon juice. I feel so good from this simpler, high sugar way of eating. I poop a ton more and it's a cleaner shit, ha ha, I mean less wiping, and while this might be silly or gross to someone, it means something to me. The idea that quick exit foods are the best for you is one I support, based on the theory of it and my experience. The theory is that you don't want foods to linger in your body, taking a lot of energy to digest. You want stuff that your body can digest quick, use for energy and not stress itself out trying to figure out how to break down, say, an acidic substance like animal flesh. Fruit is the quickest, most readily available source of energy, taking very little digestive effort. Maybe fresh juices are quicker, seeping right into your bloodstream and charging you full of nutrients because the fiber is absent and in liquid form, the foods have been broken down and extracted into pure juice. Does that make sense? That's my take on it, my gathering from reading a lot and experiencing different things and paying attention to how i feel from various foods, how I eat them (slow, fast, by themselves, eating by myself, paying attention to chewing, chewing a lot, etc...) what time of the day I eat certain ones and how I feel accordingly... I nerd out and experiment a good deal. It's super interesting to me.

Again, I don't want to sell this way of eating. I just want to tell what it does for me. I haven't been as consistent as I'd like, because this is another, probably my final, big change in how I eat. And I welcome it, most of the time, though I do have to adjust to eating plainer, simpler. Which would be easy enough for my actual body and taste buds, if they were disconnected from my emotions. It's the eating for happiness that keeps me from being more consistent. But I'm determined to stay on this path that feels best for me. My energy is through the roof, and quite steady with all of this sugar. And it's simple as fuck. Fruit, fruit, fruit, eat a salad. It saves me time, cuz meals are either instant (example: breakfast - 10 bananas) or super easy (dinner - chop tomatoes, chop lettuce, halve and squeeze a lemon in). It also is easy to "fit in" more socially, which isn't that important to me, but does feel good for not making others feel bad at not being able to accomodate you. In one sense it's so simple because there's fruit usually around. It's not so simple when you are ready to scarf down 10 apples, not 1 or 2, and I know my family is like "You can't just eat fruits and vegetables!" And I say, "I know, I eat some nuts and seeds too!" And it seems to really concern them, and they worry about me. But you gotta do what you gotta do, right!? My dad even said he was gonna start eating vegan because apparently my eyes got a lot brighter when I started doing the raw thing, but who knows, that's my dad talking ya know? He also once asked "How could anyone not like you?" So he has a high opinion of me, and tells me I've "found peace," which is true in some ways. I quickly reassure him that I definitely have my struggles, and some pretty nasty lows, though I spare him the details.

So, it feels like it spreads a bit - I've stopped preaching to my parents, mostly, I try to go about it in a gentle way, and mostly only in response to their questions. Food, it seems is all we ever talk about, and that is the way my family knows how to relate to me; "That's our crazy vegan nephew." And beyond vegan, the raw thing just sends them over the top in disbelief. They either think I'm totally wrong and a part of some cult, or they are inspired. Clearly, I'm not unhealthy, and intuitively many of them state that that's the way to go, and few, but some, do say "I could do that." Like my aunt a couple weeks ago. I think it's just social suicide for so many people that are emotionally attached and gather around and celebrate to the tune of mainstream standard american food. I wish they could experience the rush that I get from eating this way, I think they would love it and realize that doing your own thing and feeling phenomenal beats conforming. They could still experience food get togethers, you just have to be prepared to do some more work, whether it's bringing your own stuff or bothering the cooks or waiters for a plate of raw vegetables or fruits. That's really all you have to say: "Can you bring me a bowl of uncooked vegetables or a fruit platter? No cheese, no ranch, no oils, maybe a lemon on the side." Or just stop going out to eat. Restaurant suck anyways. I realize some of this is just over the top. Habits are hardcore engrained in us, and we need a super intensely convincing reason to change and even then, who says it's gonna work? So we retreat into comfort and there is a mass of people, doctors and media with vested interests and huge lobbying corporations to persuade us, (or in the case of mainstream media, they are the corporation) and reassure us that we've made the right, safe choice. Stick with the pack.

It's so good to see more and more people challenging the herd mentality and some of the things we're supposed to swallow as truth. I see more and more people realzing they have been duped, time and time again by their government and they are seeking out ways to better themselves, that may be contrary to what they are being told. In this spirit of food, it's awesome seeing raw foods become more and more well known. Hopefully the weight loss bullshit that is always there with raw foods as a flashed motivating factor can die off and the raw food movement can stop using this cheap way to prey on people's insecurities. There are a lot of assholes out there, and look out for the ones who want to take something beautiful like nourishing your body and convince you to jump on their bandwagon and get healthy their way, selling you lots of products and/or a hokey ego inflation for them, and for you when you've improved your self so much that you feel superior to, and maybe like you could be a saviour of, the "ignorant masses."

Eat raw if you want. I feel like this is a bit confusing in the last page! Is it?

It's a crazy world with a lack of access to nearby, affordable/free, fresh fruit and vegetables but tons to junk food/produce coming from so far away.

I definitely find it hypocritical to try to live my life without causing harm to others, then do things like buy bananas, ride in cars, and eat at restaurants, but sadly, we'll always be hurting things just by existing and that is fact. It then becomes the fuzzy thing of doing your best, which is often said as excuse for not really trying, but really is all you can do, and who am I or you to judge?

should this be the beginning of a piece?

SPEAK YOUR MIND VS. CONDEMN ANOTHER

We can help each other along, but when it comes to finding fault in someone else's life, it gets hairy. In one sense, it's good and important to raise your voice when you see some fucked up shit going on, but it's super important to discern, and be open to critique of your discernment; (do you wanna be right and boost your ego, or learn, and develop emotionally and spiritually, or whatever you wanna call it or believe in) between what is your humble opinion and your misguided, or intentional, attempt at bettering yourself at the expense of another. Even a just cause can become corrupted when you're knocking someone else down a peg to further an agenda, no matter how important. As I write that, i think of people that have crossed the line and deserve ill treatment; it feels very fitting. And that is a judgement call, deciding that someone else has fucked up. And you do that, you have emotions, beliefs, a path in life that you are currently at that helps you along in feeling stoked about some stuff and pissed at other stuff, and you will approve of some people and condemn others, whether internally or out loud, vocally and publicly. And linking up and sharing opinions with others, particularly towards a heinous course of action or person or something is really empowering and feels great, and validates your voice. It can be humbling, and grounds you. It's this knowing that you share this with others and it feels better than your lone voice condemning, because both of feeling overwhelmed by feeling so alone and because you feel a part of something larger than yourself, though your individuality is welcomed and celebrated. (this is ideal and vital of satisfying movements for me).

I think it's so great and important to voice how you feel, to be the individual you are. With the whole discernment thing, continual conversation is necessary, and the dropping of pride is a huge part of this. Growth comes when you don't remain personally attached to your views. Share them. Listen. And go with it from there. Don't open your mouth to talk before the other is done. Be there for them and expect them to be there for you. Mutual respect and patience and appreciation of each other comes first. I feel very strongly about this. And strong as I feel, I feel just as strong about being open to challenges to this, and all opinions. Keeping an open mind and enriching myself and hopefully the lives I am around matters a great deal to me and I think we close ourselves off from so much opportunity when we shut down, stubbornly proud and closed off to differences.

The people who are in it for greater good are a joy to be around. By the "greater good" I might mean, for example, the greater good that is the care of friends beyond just one's own self, which feels more realistic than the idea of the greater good being the whole planet; an overwhelming intimidating thought pattern. When someone shows they give a fuck about your opinion by truly listening to you, and even showing genuine interest by posing follow up questions, and they're not just waiting to give their piece, it feels awesome, respectful and worth putting more of my energy into. Adversely, when someone interrupts, and is on an ego rampage, ignorant of advice or critique, I shut down, get frustrated and want to get the fuck out! Unfortunately sometimes we can't leave and are stuck around these people, and will continue to interact with them in our lives. Not to write this and be like "be moer like me" but I write this because I want to spread the idea that it can be way less frustrating and conflict can be reduced, avoided, or managed. We can eliminate drama and creating enemies when we learn ways to hash out concerns with empathy and consideration. Being open to letting each other know things means not feeling like you're fucking up, and by that I mean, creating an environment where critique is welcomed and appreciated and differences are not feared and diversity is celebrated! It definitely feels like an attack an yourself, and that you have "fucked up" doubly when 1. someone does it in a shitty harsh way and 2. when you're not used to being in an honest atmosphere. And you can be gentle with your honesty, and I think being sensitive to the other person is super important. Even if you've been an anarchist for years and are accustomed to being open and expressing yourself, you can still be hurt, and practicing empathy, which means putting yourself in someone else's place and imaginign how they might feel can do worlds for our world.

Lets be honest and direct and sensitive! Yaahah!